Posted on 21/07/2026
Despite all my resentments towards life (and God), I’m still here. I resent my life although on the other hand, I’m wondering how the heck I overcome all this.
My best friend says that I’m a strong woman. Yes, I admit that. Although I still resent my life. But one thing is, my strength is a product of my iman. The one thing that is still here although I’m angry with my God.
I can say that my condition is getting better compared to months ago. I’ve been doing quite a bit of exercises and Tahajud prayers. I salute those practices as my healing media. Also, currently I’m reading a light book about philosophy. You see, I’m doing everything I can to heal my self. I’m not passive. I may be disappointed and angry, but I still have my logic with me.
Exercise
This thing I do not only for my mental health, but also my physical health. Although I still can’t reduce my weight (lol), but my other health problems have decreased.
I’m not an exercise maniac (yet) that have to exercise every single week for at least 3 days (I wish tho). But I’m currently at the point where I type into ChatGPT:
Can I do exercise when my body temperature is a bit warm and I have cough?
Well, although the short answer is “No”, I guess that’s a good sign.
Tahajud
Despite all the sweet words and advantages about it out there, my main goal of doing Tahajud is not for getting my wishes come true. It’s as simple as getting in a calmer state.
One night, I prayed (but was angry) to Allah. I wanted Him to prove to me that He didn’t abandon me. That He didn’t enjoy torturing me. And, of course, I just wanted my life to be at peace.
I was just too scared to ask for anything Lovey-dovey again, so I just asked for peace.
Then, days passed by like usual. But I got that peace. Not dramatic. But I finally got that peace.
That sadness still comes and go, but my anger and disappointment towards Allah have greatly decreased.
